Painful Love
by frozen tears
Summary: Hey, new angst. Meiling, writes a diary about her love for Xiolang. Rasting because of mentions of Rape and swearing.


March 26 I loved him since the beginning of time. But how did he acknowledge  
  
it? By ignoring it and loving an other girl. What good is my love now?  
  
I never should have loved him. Just once I wish he would tell me that he  
  
loves me. Just once. Is that too much for a girl to ask? I guess so. Oh well.  
  
Laterz! I'm too tired to worry about my non-exsistent love life right now.  
  
March 28 The nerve of him! I walk up to him to talk to him about todays training, and  
  
then She walks up and hugs him from behind. He turns around and KISSES  
  
her! And he knew that I was right there! I quietly ran away. I admit, I did  
  
tell him that if he loved another girl, then we break the engagement, but I  
  
didn't know then that it would still hurt after 7 years. I'm 18 now and it still  
  
hurts like Hell! My eyes hurt from all this crying, so I'm going to take a little  
  
nap. Later  
  
Humpf.Xiolang saw me running away and came into my room after I took my  
  
nap. He sat on the edge of my bed and asked me if anything was wrong.  
  
What was I supposed to say? ' Um yeah. I got upset that I saw you and Her  
  
kissing, and so I ran to cry my heart out.' Sure, like he'll like me reminding  
  
him that I love him. I just told him it was nothing and that I was going to  
  
change my clothes, and unless he wanted to see me naked, he best leave the  
  
room. He left, remembering when I once did do that to him. I think it kinda  
  
ruined his clean mind for life. But then sooner or later, he'll see Kinomoto  
  
like tht sooner or later. I'm jut going to go down and eat dinner and come  
  
back up to sleep. I'll write more later.  
  
March 29 Nothing happened at dinner yesterday, other than I lost my appetiet when I  
  
saw Kinomoto looking at him liked she loved him. I left dinner early only  
  
eating a bit of rice. Aunty looked at me but didn't say anything.  
  
April 1 Xiolang gave Her something for her birthday. Guess what it is. Love. and  
  
the physical kind too. My room connects to Xiolang's. I was laying on my  
  
bed looking at my college applications, and then I heard the most disterbing  
  
noise. Them doing it. I started to cry, and I think they heard me cause I  
  
heard her say something. Then I didn't hear anything after that. But later  
  
that night, once she left to go home, Xiolang came into my room, raging mad,  
  
and this what he said to me " You little Bitch! You started to cry, and Sakura  
  
lost her mood! When will it get through your thick skull that I don't love you  
  
and I'll never love you like that again? Tell me Meiling!" and all the while  
  
shoving me back into the wall. Once we reached the wall, I managed to say,  
  
"Never. It'll never get through my heart and mind that you don't love me  
  
because you once told me when we were younger, that you love me and  
  
always will. Do you remember that? Tell me Xiolang. Do you?" I was  
  
crying the whole time. He shoved me onto the bed and said his voice  
  
dripping with venom, " I'll do this to you once, and let it be the seal of my  
  
promise to you, I will never ever love you like that again." and then he half  
  
raped me. I said half, because it really wasn't against my will. Of course I  
  
was screaming the whole time. Lucky for him, we were the only ones home.  
  
He stopped when he got tired. Oh God, it hurt so much! I never thought that  
  
it would hurt THAT much! When he was about to leave my room, I told  
  
him, "I still will wait for you to come back to me." he spat in my direction  
  
and left.  
  
Now I hurt to much to continue writing. Good night.  
  
April 2 He won't even look at me now. Kinomoto came over today and now he's  
  
more open with his emotions for her in front of me. Kissing her and hugging  
  
her all in front of me. I have no clue how much I can handle. Though I do  
  
know one thing. Should She lose any mood to do things with him, he'll put  
  
the blame on me. I'm wondering whether or not I should tell her what  
  
happened. If I do, then they will break up, and Xiolang will do things to me  
  
forever. Damn! Why do I have to live this cursed life? Maybe I'll just move  
  
out. Then I don't ever have to see them together. Yeah! That's what I'll do. I  
  
have some money with me. And I could live in one of the family owned  
  
hotels! Perfect! And there's one in France, and I know French. I'll move  
  
next week.  
  
April 4 It's not going to work. I don't want Aunty knowing were I am and she always  
  
checks who's living in the hotels. And if anyone sees me there, they'll report  
  
me to Aunty and then there will be no point in running because she'll keep  
  
close watch on me. Oh this is agony. I wish Tomoyo was here so I could  
  
talk to her. Maybe I'll invite her over. I'll do that now.  
  
April 5 She's coming tomorow. I just hope Kinomoto won't be here, otherwise, she'll  
  
keep yacking to Tomoyo and I'll never get to talk to her. Nothing happened  
  
today other than Kinomoto and Xiolang in another lip-lock in the family  
  
room.  
  
April 6 When she got here, Kinomoto was here. Kinomoto was about to yack away,  
  
when Tomoyo said kindly, "Sakura -san, I'll talk to you later, I'm really here  
  
to talk to Meiling." Kinomoto was like, "What, oh ok." and looked at  
  
Xiolang as if to see if he knew what was going on. I think he caught on to  
  
what Tomoyo and I were going to talk about cause, when I walked past him,  
  
he hissed, " If you tell her what happened that night, I'll kill you."  
  
I ignored him and continued walking. I told Tomoyo to follow me, since the  
  
whole arrangement of sleeping quarters had changed since the last time she  
  
came over. So we went to my room. Once we got settled down, Tomoyo  
  
bombarded me with questions like, " When did he and Sakura do it? How  
  
were Syaroan (?) 's eyes when he did it to you? " And stuff like that. I just  
  
gave her the entry tht I wrote right after he did that, nothing else. When she  
  
was done, she had a sympathetic look on her face. I immedietly told her I  
  
don't want sympathy, only advice on how to get over them. So she told me to  
  
get a boyfriend. Where the Hell am I supposed to find a boyfriend? She  
  
immedietly said "Ok maybe that won't work. Um how 'bout, you tell your  
  
Aunt what he did to you and she solve part of the problem. The other half  
  
we'll try to fix. Then she came up with the smart idea, of me telling  
  
Kinomoto what happened. I told her that Xiolang would hurt me even more  
  
than last time. Then we went to his room to investigate what he did in there.  
  
Well, really it was to kill time. We found some discarded condemns and  
  
other things like his collage textbooks, a bunch of old magazines and some  
  
old books. But there was one thing that hurt me the most. He had a picturee  
  
of the both of us on his wall and desk. Now they were either face down or in  
  
the garbage. Tomoyo saw and said, "Let's go back to-" She got cut off  
  
because Xiolang came into the room. "What are you two doing in here?" was  
  
all he had to say to us. "Nothing. And I told her what you did Xiolang." I  
  
said and I left the room. I could just feel him glaring at me. Tomoyo stayed  
  
for lunch and dinner. Kinomoto was there at dinner. She was looking back  
  
and forth between Tomoyo and I . I got so annoyed, I told her "Kinomoto,  
  
This isn't a tennis match, so you could stop looking at us like that." That was  
  
the first time I was that cruel to her. Xiolang glared at me and said sharply, "  
  
Meiling!" I ignored him and turned towards Tomoyo and asked her, "How  
  
are things going on between you and Hiiragizawa?" She blushed and said  
  
"I'm not with him. I'm with Touya-san (Chan which ever one is correct.)"  
  
I was so surprised. "Going for the older guys then huh?" I asked teasingly.  
  
She blushed again. "Let me know what happens." I said laughing. "So tell  
  
me, what's the news there?" I live in China, and Kinomoto moved here with  
  
Yukito. Though I do wish that something would happen between the two.  
  
That'll seperate her from Xiolang. It turns out, Hiiragizawa has a girlfriend.  
  
But she's 14! He is so going to take advantage of her. I feel sorry for that  
  
girl. Good night. Too tired to continue writing.  
  
April 8 I've been tired physically for two days now. Xiolang came into my room  
  
when no one was home and did it to me again. Only this time it hurt me even  
  
more. Oh God, I know for a fact now. He hates me. I'll make a promise to  
  
myself. I'll never bother him again. I'll keep my love to myself. I'll manage  
  
to take joy in everything that he does. I'll forget about the love that I  
  
harbored for him. For the sake of my sanity.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************************************************************** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well how was it? I tried another angst before this, and I think that it was better than this. Oh well. Tell me how this was. If it was the dumbest fic you've ever read, let me know. If you want to know what happened to her afterwards, also let me know. I didn't own anything before I wrote this, and apparently, CLAMP didn't buy this from me, so I don't own anything after I wrote this. If you plan on suing, then take my cheap stereo that doesn't have enough bass. Luv ya! frozen tears 


End file.
